Talk first
If you are in a couple, start with a calm conversation away from the bedroom. Why does it appeal to each of you? Is it a fantasy to talk about or something you both want to do? Either partner can say no, and that has to be fine.
Discuss what you are each imagining: two women and a man (often called FFM), two men and a woman (MMF), or another mix, and whether it is a one-off or something you might do again.
Ground rules
Agree specifics before you meet anyone: what is and is not allowed, whether everyone is involved all the time, kissing, condoms, whether the third person stays the night, and a word or signal that stops everything. Agree too what you will do if one of you feels jealous on the night.
Rules protect the relationship, but they should also be fair to the third person. They are a guest, not an accessory; our guide to throuples explains why that matters.
Finding a third person
Never pressure friends or colleagues. Many couples meet people at swinger clubs, sex parties or on the apps covered in our swinging apps guide, where everyone is there for the same reason.
Be upfront about what you are looking for, meet for a drink first and make sure everyone is genuinely keen. Be wary of profiles that ask for money: that is a scam, not a date.
On the night and afterwards
Go slowly, check in often and make sure nobody is left out or pushed. Use condoms and change them between partners, and keep lube to hand. Alcohol in small amounts only; consent needs everyone to be clear-headed.
Afterwards, talk as a couple about what you enjoyed and what you would change, and be kind to the third person, who also deserves a thank-you and respect. Get an STI check if you had sex without condoms; see sexual health clinics.
Your questions, answered
How do you ask your partner about a threesome?
Raise it calmly, away from the bedroom, as a fantasy you would like to talk about, and make it clear that no is a perfectly good answer.
Where do couples find a third person?
Swinger clubs, sex parties and swinging or dating apps where everyone is looking for the same thing. Avoid pressuring friends.
What does FFM and MMF mean?
FFM is two women and a man; MMF is two men and a woman.